Nerds That Geek Movie Review: ‘The VelociPastor’

Written by Scott Edwards 

THIS IS THE EMERGENCY SPOILER ALERT SYSTEM...YOU ARE ADVISED TO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK...

It can be difficult to know who to believe at times. While you are told to always listen to your elders, you never know if what they are telling you is true or not. As times continue to change and facts get distorted by those who want to deny them, we can at least all agree on some absolute truths. Like how the platypus is still one of the strangest animals that wattles on the planet. Speaking of odd animals, it is also true that that are some other creatures that we have no idea how to identify, as they have been long since forgotten. As times change and we continue to make new discoveries of old things that have been erased from the record, we should not be surprised in the slightest if we discover that there is an ancient good or evil that always surrounds us.
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After losing his parents to a random car explosion, Father Doug Jones is being comforted by his elder, Father Stewart, who poses a challenge to his faith. Challenging Doug to travel to the place where the Lord is least likely to follow, Doug leaves on a trip that takes him across the globe to China. While on his new path, Doug knows that there is little for him to fear, but after watching a female villager get shot by an arrow, he jumps into action, to at least comfort her until the very end. Getting handed an artifact as a payment of thanks, Doug has no idea what powers he just inherited in the far off land.

A year has passed, and Doug is still having the same nightmare about the woman dying in his arms and an evil inside of him that he might not be able to stop. With Father Stewart’s words not helping him get past this, Doug takes a walk and tries to free himself from the feelings of dread and his strange newfound appetite for flesh. Passing by the local hooker Carol, Doug once again pays her no mind, as she is of sin. But as night falls and Carol’s life is threatened, Father Doug jumps into action, but not as himself, but as a relic from the past. Waking up and seeing Carol sitting on the end of the bed, Father Doug is forced to ask himself an important question, have his vows been tarnished? But instead he comes to discover that what happened last night was something far more fantastical, since he has gained the ability to turn into a flesh hungry dinosaur.

With Carol by his side, the man of the cloth is forced to read into the history books of dinosaurs to try and understand his true power. As the days go by and he takes out Carol’s pimp for all of the sinning he is happy to admit to, Carol is able to convince Father Doug that he can do more good than evil as the dinosaur and take out all of the crime on the streets. As more and more evil is removed by the VelociPastor, Wei Chan takes notice that his drugs are no longer being as effectively sold and that is not only a bad thing for him, but for his silent partners in crime. Sending a hit squad of ninjas to take out the beast, Doug is forced to come to grips that being the only one of his kind will come at a price, one that goes beyond upholding his vows to the Christian faith.

Okay, so let’s just get this out of the way right now, if you are looking for a deep meaning in The VelociPastor, you might be barking up the wrong tree. But if you are looking for an 80s throwback and an ultimate B movie, well, you are in the right place. With some hokey practical effects and a ton of one liners from all the actors, you will find yourself laughing much more than shying away from what is really happening on the screen. With an ancient artifact, plenty of dinosaur biting, evil being destroyed, ninjas, blood, swords, nun chucks, blood and a couple montages to take you back to the peak 80s B movie revolution, you are in for a treat. Anytime a movie is more than open to make fun of itself, it is hard to go wrong, in a good way. Stay Scared.

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