Nerds That Geek Movie Review - 'xXx: Return of Xander Cage'

Written by Mike Cervantes

​THIS IS THE EMERGENCY SPOILER ALERT SYSTEM...YOU ARE ADVISED TO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK...

Whatever seems lacking in this movie, I blame on my own generation. It was the late ‘80s and early ‘90s that truly homogenized the action film genre, taking its cue from the Indiana Jones films, which featured wall to wall, run-to-the-finish action set pieces, brawling, gunfire, and explosions in a formula that every action film has emulated since, only without the inspired premises. So, when you eventually get to a film like the sequel to the sequel to the 2002 film about a plot-armored superman who conducts international espionage using extreme sports, the only points you hope to achieve in a review are:

A. Whether a lot of guns will be fired.
B. Whether a lot of fists will be thrown.
C. Whether A and B will combine into a film that wasn’t a waste of even the very low matinee fee I paid to see it.
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Does the third xXx movie actually make the grade? Sort of.

Vin Diesel once again steps into the likely-cleated combat boots of Xander Cage, the man who flies cross country to retrieve a fur coat, has sex with anything in a bikini top, scales a cable antenna and steals a console from a corrupt world government so the simple townsfolk can watch soccer, hero to the masses. He who is so impressive to absolutely everyone he meets that even the members of the corrupt world government he is always undermining speaks of him in monologues akin to Paul Bunyan as read by Samuel L. Jackson. SLJ happens to be in this movie as well, but only in the first five minutes, as he once again explains the premise of the xXx program to a cameo by Brazilian soccer star Neymar Jr.

Then he gets blown up by a falling satellite.

Enter the flimsy premise to what will soon be 107 minutes of sustained gunfire: a terrorist has stolen from the aforementioned corrupt world government an apocalyptic-level MacGuffin called “Pandora’s Box.” Pandora’s Box has the ability to bypass all known security clearances, creating the potential to cause untold chaos for an overly tech-dependent world, but in this film it will be used entirely to blow up things with falling satellites. Xander’s peaceful existence of giving Roberta Mancino rides on his skateboard (eye roll) is interrupted when he learns of SLJ’s death, and he’s willing to cooperate with corrupt government liaison Jane Marke (Toni Collette) to retrieve the box as a favor.

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That is, until the supposed terrorists turn out to be fellow xXx operatives Xiang (Donnie Yen) and Serena (Deepika Padukone) who stole the box in order to protect it from, you know, corrupt world government. Alliances are formed, guns are fired, and fists are thrown, as the box gets passed back and forth between all interested parties all the way to the inevitable skydiving finish line.

The above two paragraphs being, literally, all that can be said about the plot, I will need to fill in the rest of this review using cast details. Nina Dobrev is adorable little corrupt world government hacker Becky Clearidge, who eventually defects to xXx because Vin Diesel is awesome. Other members of Xander’s team include animal rights activist/sniper Adele Wolff (Ruby Rose), charismatic tiny DJ Nicky Zhou (Kris Wu), and Launchpad McQuack driving school dropout “The Torch” Tennyson (Rory McCann).  It’s certainly praiseworthy that the movie goes out of its way to cast as many international, ethnically, and, in the case of Ruby Rose, gender diverse actors to fill its roles. But it is hard to say whether such an admirable quality is even noticeable amidst whiplash-level speeds of shoot-shoot-jumpkick-slide-kaboom-skydive that this film is constantly serving up.
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In most action film scenarios, even this level of overlook would be forgivable, but given the fact that there are actually interesting asides about alleged good guys, bad guys, and the purposes individuals serve on the world stage mixed in as themes, the fact that it all eventually mutates into Vin Diesel’s playhouse seems like a terrible waste. There’s a striking contrast between Vin and Donnie Yen, who is Hong Kong’s biggest action film star, and in his second American film role besides Rogue One. He is destined to have the jaw-dropping martial arts he is known for slightly diminished in order to make Vin look at least as formidable. I’m also finding it difficult to further mention cast members Tony Jaa, Michael Bispring, Al Sapienza, and Tony Gonzalez, since the first two are merely Xiang’s henchmen, while the latter two are characters that Xander first threatened to kill…and then killed.

So does it work? Sure, I guess. As far as everything it intended, including its inclusion and thought provoking themes, it certainly did what it set out to do. As I said at the beginning of this review, I wasn’t expecting the bard when I set out to review xXx part three. But given what is actually on the screen to be appreciated, it might benefit those who seek to continue this franchise to raise the bard…just a little. 

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