What's funny about bad motion pictures...especially comic book themed ones, is that they have incredible staying power. For every top notch Captain America or Batman movie that we discuss on a regular basis, there's an awful direct to video version out there or a box office bomb that well...we discuss on a regular basis.

We simply cannot get over the lost opportunity these films turned out to be. Whether it be the film's poor casting choices or the wild decisions made with the storyline, we fawn over these films with sheer wonder because they inspire our imagination to play the age old game of 'what if?' as we ponder what that particular tale could have looked like with love and care and one movie that I always return to for that exact reason is 1995's Judge Dredd. 

However my fascination with this film goes far beyond the wonder of what could have been, but also because this movie is such an intriguing conundrum. At times it is actually downright brilliant, and at other times...it's a fiesta of B Movie silliness and well, let's be honest, it's the goofy stuff that draws you in. There's a strange joy that comes with watching Sylvester Stallone slip into super ham mode and chew up the scenery with one powerhouse over the top performance and there's an equally strange satisfaction that comes with seeing the film shift gears from sci-fi epic to buddy comedy when Stallone and Rob Schneider hit the road in classic Riggs and Murtaugh fashion.

But what draws me back to this film time and time again, are the genius moments that the film never took advantage of. Take for example, Mega City One and The Cursed Earth. The setting is damn important to a motion picture and well, the movie does get props for truly giving us the sprawling megalopolis where mankind has assembled to survive the barren harshness of The Cursed Earth, and it was wonderful to see a world this large and this epic come to life before our eyes and it would have been amazing to learn more about these two places and it's a shame that the story presents Mega City One as nothing more than a futuristic New York City, because seeing the strife in such a massive setting would have helped set the mood for one powerful story.

However, the biggest miss creatively when it comes to this film is the plot. The idea that a judge could cross the line and try to be above the law is fascinating and it's a damn shame the movie didn't explore such a notion further, and it's even worse that it tried to go hardcore sci fi and throw genetic engineering into the mix to explain the whole thing away. Had the story taken the time to look at a judge who wanted to bring down Dredd in the hopes of destroying this intricate and fragile check and balance, one critical to the stability of society, would have been wonderful to watch and it could have served as a wonderful expansion of the 'Dark Judges' storyline found in the comic books that the second film flirted with briefly. 

Either way, what makes this film truly magical in a weird sort of way is that the more that you watch it, the more you discover, either by way of new and awful moments that make you roll your eyes or something brand new that you never noticed before. Case in point, it wasn't until well after The Walking Dead came out that I discovered that Scott Wilson plays Pa Angel or that I recently found out that Adrienne Barbeau is the voice of Central. But, regardless of any wonder that we discover or uncover in this film, the fact still remains that Judge Dredd is and will remain a titanic failure when it comes to storytelling, only because this is a film that simply tried to do too much in one sitting, and trying too hard to please the fans, is just as bad as ignoring them altogether and it will continue to be dissected and analyzed because it will always serve as a blueprint...as to how to not make a comic book movie.  

When word got out that there was going to be a movie set in ancient China starring Matt Damon, people immediately cried foul. It evokes the especially politically incorrect trope of “the white savior,” one that I personally prefer not to talk about, because it inevitably leads to a conversation about Tom Cruise’s The Last Samurai, and I hate that movie. The studios producing the film, Universal and Legendary, followed up this potential pushback immediately by making the claim this was a China/America co-production. It shows in particular elements in this movie, particularly in the casting. That was enough to bring me to the theater to actually see it, only to notice that the only title cards at the front of the film belong to…Universal and Legendary.
​
Oh well, I guess.

Matt Damon plays vaguely Eastern European soldier of fortune William Garin, who was once part of a group of mercenaries seeking to steal the invention of black powder from the Chinese during the Song dynasty. That is, until they’re put slightly off-course by a pack of bandits, and the rest of their group is murdered in the night by a mysterious monster. He and his fellow surviving Spanish counterpart Pero Tovar (Pedro Pascal) soon find themselves at The Great Wall of China, where a group of soldiers called The Nameless Order, immediately arrest them and set them atop the wall just in time for them to witness a siege.

Instead of battling Eurasian nomads, these soldiers do battle with the mythical Chinese Tao Tei, usually found engraved on the side of large bronze pots in antiquity, and are depicted here as quadrupedal CG lizard creatures that exist as part of a hive mind that kill humans and feed their remains to a Queen that commands using echolocation. (it’s an odd choice to take a real, accountable part of history and just…replace one side of it with H.R. Giger-esque CG critters, but, oh well I guess…) William and Pero inevitably break loose of their bonds and join in the fight, earning the respect of the Chinese soldiers, but are still treated with distrust, and for good reason, because they still intend to steal black powder from the soldiers with the additional aid of English prisoner Sir Ballard (Willem Dafoe). 

In determining what culture the writers of this film were on the side of, you may first notice the way these two groups are depicted. Matt, Pedro, Willem’s characters are shown to be dirty, greedy, and all too willing to turn their backs on their Chinese hosts to get their hand on the deadly weapon in their possession. The Chinese soldiers on the other hand, all played by prominent Hong Kong film actors like Andy Lau, Zhang Hanyu, and Ryan Zheng, are sophisticated, respectful, honorable, and possess technologies that are so advanced, they probably out-steampunk what might have actually existed in the Song period. In battling the Tao Tei they’ve invented things like giant iron spike-balls that they light on fire before catapulting them forward, arrows with bamboo shoots that whistle when a wounded enemy comes near, and a whole platoon of female soldiers that bungee jump off the side of the wall to stick monsters with spears at the bottom. That’s right; this movie has actually militarized the Chinese cinema standard of Wire-Fu.
​
So, Matt Damon is certainly not being treated explicitly as the white savior, here. It is more like he’s the especially impressive Dungeons and Dragons import character. He further grows in the ranks of the soldiers because he is (a) really good with a bow and (b) just happens to be carrying around a large natural magnet that somehow interferes with the Tao Tei’s hive-mind. As the film proceeds, the question of theming continues to be a headscratcher: William himself succeeds because of his ideas of primeval exceptionalism. At one point he’s seen breaking apart a sophisticated Chinese crossbow, just to steal the bow part and shoot in a way that’s familiar to him. Philosophically, however, he’s at a disadvantage, and it becomes up to the film’s female lead character Commander Lin Mae (Jing Tian) to help him understand Eastern compassion.

This ultimately becomes a film that moves from set piece to set piece, introduces its themes as individual, single-serving, dim sums and lets the viewer ultimately decide which of these filmmaking concepts is king. You might have already guessed that Pero and Ballard attempt to steal the powder, and a reborn version of William attempts to stop them. Then there’s a whole subplot involving a low-ranking soldier named Shen (Ryan Zheng), which I won’t spoil for you, but concludes with a moral ambiguity that you probably wouldn’t want to see if you understand the reasons that a Great Wall really exists.

There are just a lot of odd choices made here, and you’ll spend the run of the film scratching your head just as often as you’ll find yourself impressed with the themes created in this little tabletop fictional version of China. Eventually you’ll walk out of the theater holding your own opinion as the only one that matters, and my opinion won’t be of any help, because my opinion is….meh. 

For some time now, I have desperately been searching and waiting for a horror or thriller film that truly gets under my skin and leaves me completely and utterly disturbed, and so far my wait has continued, since the market now calls for these types of films to appeal to a broader audience, making it difficult to truly terrify us to our core.

But I still keep hope alive that the terror will return and said hope was fed and nourished at the possibility of seeing something exciting and different and disturbing when I first stumbled upon the trailer for A Cure for Wellness a few months ago. It promised quite the story, where it seemed a man sent on a simple task to retrieve a co-worker from an out of the way sanitarium/health spa would find himself locked into a world full of unsettling secrets and unspeakable horrors. 

So naturally, I simply had to see if by chance this was the film that I have been waiting for, which meant my baby sister (also an aficionado of the macabre) and I were in line Friday night to see what kind of mind warping treats we were in for and well...I'm sad to say that A Cure for Wellness is not only a downright disappointment, it is a bad, bad, film. The word 'mess' is the only one that consistently came to mind while I was watching this and quite frankly that's a shame because this film had quite the potential to be something special and revolutionary, if it weren't for the fact that this film simply has no clue what on earth it wants to be, or what classics from the past it wants to honor.

At times this film evokes a sense of John Carpenter's ​In the Mouth of Madness, playing hard on the delicate boundaries of fantasy, reality and sanity, before switching gears to become a Gothic Horror piece that seems to be cluing into some Lovecraftian conspiracy that could perhaps endanger all of mankind and while one would think that such a blend of homages would provide the audience with a smart and layered motion picture, that's just simply not the case. This switch up serves as a diversionary tactic, one designed to throw the audience off the trail of an obvious plot reveal which completely and utterly removes the power of such tributes.  

But the issues with the story don't end there. In addition to being all over the place, a motion picture that tries desperately to be scary and unsettling, offers nothing of the sort. All the 'scares' are as cliché as they come, leaving the audience bored because it offers us nothing new in the slightest and to top it all off, the ultimate 'evil' plan that our villain in this film is working to accomplish, is so weird and outlandish and selfish and gross that it leaves the viewer conflicted. On one hand, you do want the main character, Lockhart, to save the day because of the ick factor, but on the other hand you're also raising an eyebrow as you try to process whether or not this strange little plot twist is actually unfolding before your eyes.

I guess that in a way, that is a win for the film, since the bad guy's plan does make you as uncomfortable as can be, but alas, it's the gross out factor that accomplishes this, as opposed to a good old fashioned scare, however, I don't want it sound as though every single moment of this film is downright awful. It does deserve some credit for delivering some stunning visuals and the acting is top notch through and through. But don't let those positives fool you. This is still a bad film, so rough in fact that the woman sitting to my right picked up her bag of popcorn and walked out in the middle of it. But, if anything...I did kill two hours of my night, so at the very least, A Cure for Wellness served as a cure for boredom. So...it's got that going for it...

It’s been reported that, while on the set of 1997’s Batman and Robin, director Joel Shumacher would shout “Remember everyone, this is a cartoon!” on the set just a few seconds before saying action, which was jarring to many of the actors, and likely led to many of the dramatic fallen arches of that film. Mind you, here have been cartoon versions of Batman before, but even in respect to the critically acclaimed Batman: The Animated Series, they’ve only existed to play to the themes present in the 75+ year franchise.

On the other hand The LEGO Batman Movie, answers Shumacher’s call, not just by being a literal cartoon, but by presenting us with concept after concept that turns out awesome despite reading like it was just written off the top of some hyperactive kid’s brain: Characters shout ‘pew-pew’ as they fire lazer pistols. Batman doesn’t ride in a Batmobile OR a Bat-plane as much as in an ambulatory “Bat-Scuttler” that either crawls on the ground or flies in the air, depending on what mode it’s in. Master plans are set forward by The Joker, as played by Zach Galifianakis, who commands a rogue gallery that includes not just Catwoman, The Penguin and the Riddler, but obscure villains like Orca, White Rabbit, and Condiment King.

The Batman featured in this film, imported directly from 2014’s The LEGO Movie, and voiced once again by Will Arnett, is the emotional center of the film. He is neither the brooding dark Avenger, nor campy Adam West law enforcement surrogate. He’s a rampaging super-ego who has a perceived rivalry with Superman (Channing Tatum), inclinations towards beatbox and dress up parties, with an oddly routine personal life that involves eating microwaveable lobster while watching Jerry Maguire. The life he lives as an abject loner is obvious to everyone who has interacted with him, particularly his butler Alfred (Ralph Feinnes), who goes out of his way to try to attach a social life to his surrogate son. An opportunity arises when he simultaneously adopts an eager young orphan Dick Grayson (Michael Cera) and loses his “savior of Gotham City” title to Commissioner Barbara Gordon (Rosario Dawson). Instead of choosing to open himself up to his new allies, he hatches a plot to steal Superman’s Phantom Zone Projector and send The Joker to an interdimensional prison where he can cause no more damage to Gotham.

In regards to references to the overall Batman mythos, I would say that nods to the series are scattered across the film as easily as a pile of loose LEGO bricks. There’s more than one reference to the characters being more than 75 years old, despite some of them meeting for the very first time, and a battle that Batman alongside Robin contains large visible sound effects that exist nowhere else in the film.

At the same time the movie plays as much with its in universe tropes as it displays them, as it features a Joker that actually has a compatible relationship with his Harley Quinn (Jenny Slate) although his one-sided relationship with Batman is truly the thing that drives him insane. There’s also the presence of a romance between Batman and Barbara Gordon, an element of the mythos that was considered to be the worst element of a recent direct to DVD adaptation of The Killing Joke. While it was absolutely skeevy and wrong in that film, it surprisingly works here, not merely because this Barbara Gordon is elevated to the status of crime-fighting equal, but because this emotionally immature Batman limits his attraction to taking sparkle-lensed gazes at her while Cutting Crew plays in the background. Then there is the moment when the Joker is inevitably tossed into the Phantom Zone, and he makes acquaintance with several villains that are neither Batman OR DC Comics related, leading into a third act that is exactly as hyperactive and fanservice-filled as the one in the original LEGO movie.
​
The movie runs at a breakneck action film style pace with the characters moving at a speed so kinetic it outruns even the mock-stop-motion CG style that it is trying to convey. Unlike your standard action film, however, it does take the occasional pause to establish genuine emotion and compatibility amongst its main cast. This film would have lived or died based on how realistic its characters felt, and thankfully the directors took the time to imbue their plastic toy creations with just the right amount of heart.

Just like The LEGO Movie before it, The LEGO Batman Movie emits a joy the same as opening a big box of sugary cereal puffs: it’s jolly and candy-colored, with a free prize inside, and might leave you hyperactive once you’ve swallowed the whole thing in one sitting. You’ll walk away from the experience both wanting more, and taking a few of these zany interpretations as your own personal headcannon. We can only hope, as we anticipate almost yearly LEGO adaptations of films in the coming years, that they still maintain this exact same level of overall quality. 

It's an interesting time we live in when it comes to comic book films simply because of the fact that they are able do something that was previously unheard of when it came to cinema...they now have no problem hitting the reset button in order to start the entire story over from scratch.

I say that because, back in the day, when an adaptation of a comic book or a standard book made it to the big screen only to become a complete and utter failure, it was immediately forgotten, never to be spoken of again. Yet somewhere in this era of remakes and reboots, the wild idea came to pass that perhaps a bad comic book story on film should be treated as it is on paper...act is if it was a one off story and get back to the basics of what matters for the franchise. So far it has paid off dividends both financially and creatively and the other day I was able to enjoy another one of these magical reboots when I watched, Dredd.

The world has become a barren wasteland, but mankind soldiers on. What was once a place filled with beautiful countrysides has now transformed into never ending skylines known as Mega Cities. On the East Coast of the United States there is Mega City One, home to 800 million people and with so many human begins crammed into one massive city there is only one way to keep law and order...the Judges. They have the power to be judge, jury and executioner, all in one and the most famous of the Judges, a man named Dredd, is about to face his greatest challenge yet when a drug lord, completely in control of a 200 story building has sealed Dredd and a rookie Judge within its concrete walls and put a price on both of their heads, and their only hope for survival is to remain alive long enough to reach the top of the tower...and pass judgment.  

It's incredibly hard to watch this film, and not feel your mind instantly drifting to compare it to the last film that featured this character. After all 1995's Judge Dredd was a titanic failure at the box office and the almost cheery future that that film portrayed drew of the ire of hardcore Dredd fans and rightfully so. Mega City One is supposed to be an ugly place, one where its every man for himself and the judges do what they can to maintain a semblance of order, and it is the stark contrast that this film provides that evokes memories of Dredd gone by, because holy cow...this movie is nothing like the original and that's a wonderful thing. 

Gone is the glamour and glitz of a happier and more refined Mega City One. Instead we are given a true dystopia, where people go through the motions in a world that looks a touch similar to our own, in the desperate hopes of finding a sense of normalcy in a dying world and we are even treated to the difficult life the judges have to endure as they deal with the grit of endless city life and the horrors of having to decide the fate of men and women over and over and over. If anything I was blown away by how dark this film turned out to be. It's bleak, powerful and...magnificent, and for the Dredd faithful that had a big time problem with Stallone removing his helmet, fear not...the helmet stays on Karl Urban's head for the entirety of the film.

Yet what truly makes this film so magical and such an incredible watch is that despite the buckets of violence it pours upon you, and the fact that humanity's future more or less appears to be doomed in this story...it's actually a movie filled with hope, because of the film's titular main character. Thankfully, Joseph Dredd is a man who truly believes in something, and he will do anything to set the world right in the name of the law and his dedication to a cause and determination to make the world a better place...somehow leaves you with the feeling that maybe, just maybe...one man can make a difference after all...

I think we all know what the decline of a franchise looks like. It all begins with an incredible opening film that we watch in theaters multiple times, and that first movie is so awesome that it infects our minds day and night and we nearly destroy the DVD watching it over and over again until everyone in our household tells us they can't take this movie anymore. Then comes the sequel, and while the prospect of a second entry in the series leaves us excited, we all know deep down that part two is never quite as good as the original and we often spend more time defending the sequel, instead of enjoying it.

But then things get ugly. Superman goes and gets drunk, or Ripley gets killed or Freddy and Jason go from terrifying monsters to comedians in make up doing stand up for ninety minutes. We all know how this ends. Yet believe it or not, that horror story doesn't always apply to every single franchise out there. In fact, imagine a series of films if you will where the franchise was already in a strange place to begin with...and the sequel was actually an incredible improvement. Yes...believe it or not, that actually happened in 1988 with the release of Return of the Killer Tomatoes!

It has been ten years since mankind prevailed in the Great Tomato War and life in our world is returning to normal. The man responsible for the Tomato Revolution is behind bars and the tomato itself has been exiled from our day to day lives. But behind closed doors, the real evil genius responsible for pitting man against fruit is preparing for war once again. He has discovered a way to disguise the delicious red menace to resemble human beings so that mankind will never know who their true enemy is...until it is too late.  

Believe it or not, I'm not pulling your leg by telling you that the sequel is actually better than the original. Sure, the over the top Attack of the Killer Tomatoes! had its merits as we discussed the other day, but Return surprises in so many ways. For starters, the production values are far better this time around and the story goes beyond maniac tomatoes rampaging against the world. There is a love story in this flick, one that is a little, okay, extremely strange to say the least, but it goes to show that when it comes to this particular tale there was a concerted effort put forth to deliver an actual plot.

Yet at the same time the film stays true to its origins, by not taking itself too seriously and by going over the top and breaking the fourth wall when necessary. But while the first film skipped out on making any memorable moments outside of well...killer tomatoes, the sequel ends up providing us with bigger names that steal the show when it comes to the cast. For example, legendary actor John Astin plays the ridiculous Professor Gangreen with a zest and zeal that only he could pull off. But, sadly, his performance is overshadowed by the fact that this movie features a current Hollywood mega star in George Clooney.  

Now at this point I'm sure you just spit out your drink and/or just yelled expletives at the screen about what a filthy liar I am. I understand your skepticism. While we know that some stars have done some silly films in the earlier days of their careers, there is no way THE George Clooney would star in this, right?  Wrong...he did, and I'm sure you want proof, so here it is.

​With all of this in mind, we have now come to the most important question of all, do you need to watch this movie? Yes. You absolutely have to, because now you know Clooney is in it and you want to see him in this thing, and see what his role entails and Spoiler Alert...he's best actor in this movie, hands down. But outside of the Clooney, this movie is one hundred percent watchable and it did manage to resonate with audiences enough that it managed to inspire a fairly faithful Saturday morning cartoon spinoff entitled Attack of the Killer Tomatoes and for those who missed the animated adaptation of this wild story, here's a taste of just how faithful it turned out to be.

But, alas, I digress. Because every single time I think about this movie, or recommend it to someone, I'm always reminded of how much fun it is and how it brought a sense of respect to this ridiculous franchise. Which means I cannot emphasize it enough. You need to see this, and I would even go as far as to say you need to own it. Because this is that rare modern classic, one that works on just about every level and has managed to withstand the test of time for one simple reason, it's so bad...that it's good.  

I don't know what it is about cheesy and goofy movies, but I simply cannot resist them. Doesn't seem to matter how bad they are or how outlandish they turn out to be, I find myself sitting through so many of them.  Part of me does it simply because as a writer, I find them educational. There is plenty to learn from the worst of the worst, because terrible films are a great way to learn what not to do when telling a story.    

Yet at the same time, it goes beyond a learning experience, sometimes they flat out fascinate me. Sometimes the movie is so awful that I am literally in awe of how bad the finished product turned out to be and I sit through it until the end, out of a weird form of morbid respect. Sometimes I do it simply because I paid good money to watch it and I am damn well going to get the most out of my dollar before I eject it out of my DVD player and head back to the Redbox kiosk or shell out this month's subscription to Netflix.   

Yet once in a great while, they're so bad they simply win me over. It ended up being so awful and so much fun at the same time that it finds a place in my heart and I go out and buy the little fella, as was the case with the cult classic...Attack of the Killer Tomatoes. Now this is usually the moment where I provide you all with a quick summary of the plot and I'm really not sure that's necessary today. Because, let's be honest, I think the title tells us everything we need to know. But just to make sure we cover our bases...tomatoes grow sentient and they attack people. So. There you go.  

Yet as over the top and ridiculous as that sounds, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes actually works in its own magical way for several reasons. For starters, it never takes itself too seriously, and that's a good thing. This film acknowledges that it is as silly as they come and embraces the goofy, and because of that it leads to something unexpected, the fact that there are some genuinely side splitting funny moments in this film, and that alone makes it worth a view. Yet despite the ridiculous premise, the film keeps your attention by moving at a brisk pace, never once wasting a scene because the filmmakers clearly understood that a movie about Killer Tomatoes better make every scene count. 

But outside of that, don't expect much else. No quality acting performances are to be found here, nor will you walk away discovering something about yourself or about film that you never knew before. Nope, it's just tomatoes, killing people and oddly enough, I'm okay with that.  

How much can a film critic slack off: a study?
​
I actually saw this film on its release date, October 6, 2016, in a limited release it had in movie theaters, before it made its destined home on DVD and Blu-Ray. After letting that review idle for so long, we began to draw close to the release date of The LEGO Batman Movie, and I thought I’d actually complete this review, to clear my conscience, and also to discuss my infamous “Mutual Dual Batman Theory” ahead of the upcoming film.

We all know of the two portrayals of Batman: The enigmatic, tortured soul, who has devoted his life to the punishment of crime, and has successfully created himself as the sole entity striking fear into the hearts of all criminals, or the silver age inspired Adam West-portrayed avenger of justice and all things good, capable of ironically working alongside Robin and whose Gotham is reasonably crime-free.

My theory is simple and is as follows: Both Batmen have existed in our current culture side-by-side in different media, never really favoring one portrayal over the other. Adam West’s campy 60’s portrayal of Batman was the only one we knew until the emergence of The Dark Knight Returns and Burton’s ’89 Batman Film. Burton went on to make one other film before Dark Knight Batman moved onto the small screen with Batman: The Animated Series, leaving Campy Batman to take over the film responsibilities in Schumacher’s Forever and Batman and Robin. Christopher Nolan’s return to Dark Knight form with his Batman trilogy led Campy Batman to land roles in both The Batman and Batman: The Brave and the Bold, which was the first time a silver-age portrayal of Batman thoroughly escaped its Adam West roots.

Right now we’re looking into a future where a Ben Affleck-portrayed Dark Knight version of Batman is adding his chin and scowl to the cape and cowl in a whole new Nolan-based film universe, and the Campy Batman has gone almost entirely to square-one, both with the humorous LEGO portrayal by Will Arnett and in this film where we literally get the Adam West Batman played by Adam West, along with the original Robin, played by Burt Ward. This has actually been going on in the comics for a while, since July 2013, at the beginning of Batman’s 50th anniversary. 

The plot begins promisingly enough, Batman and Robin begin to chase after the re-gathering of their four greatest villains, The Joker, Catwoman, The Riddler and The Penguin, as they plot to use an ACME duplicator ray and a hijacked satellite to create a second planet Earth to rule as they see fit. Their plot hits a familiar snag when Catwoman, played by original series actress Julie Newmar, begins to ignore her evildoing to seduce West’s Batman. Her obsession leads her to scratch Batman’s face, infecting him with a “Batnip” toxin that is designed to turn him evil. Halfway through the villains’ plot is foiled, but not before Catwoman’s toxin takes effect, and eventually begins turning Batman to the dark side.

There’s a whole other half to this movie, which I won’t spoil too much for the Bat-fans, but as an interesting aside in the few minutes when Adam West Batman is turned evil, we find that he begins acting slightly like Dark Knight Batman: he threatens bodily harm upon villains, vanishes from Commissioner Gordon’s office, and just outright ignores Robin, bringing into question among the longtime fans just where the fine-line between these two contrasting portrayals lies. Sadly, it’s a theme that doesn’t stay, and before long Batman is hatching a plot just as convoluted as his 60’s era villains.
​
You can expect multiple nods to the original series, including multiple silent cameos, and lots of fan service, but sadly, nothing that really makes this remake feel as…’inspired’ as the original series was. The disadvantage is always that this is another iteration of the Campy Batman, made by longtime Batman fans, and therefore cannot fit in the “anything goes, we’re all here for scale, make it work” nature of the original series producers. It’s also somewhat jarring to hear how different West, Ward, and Newmar sound, simply because they’re now all in their 70’s, contrasted with Jeff Bergman as the Joker, William Slayers as the Penguin, and Wally Wingert as the Riddler, all professional voice actors, as youthful as their characters were in the original.

This is the first time I genuinely feel my opinion of a film isn’t that necessary. There will always be a Batman, and as long as there is, there will always be a callback to the Adam West Batman. How long we shall see Adam West continue to be his own portrayal remains to be seen. The LEGO Batman exists simultaneously to this one, despite being a similar concept, and a sequel has already been announced for this film, featuring the only actor who could play a “60’s” version of Two Face, William Shatner. This may well be an era of multiple, nearly endless portrayals of Batman, all over the scale, and the future for the Dark Knight is bright. 

Whatever seems lacking in this movie, I blame on my own generation. It was the late ‘80s and early ‘90s that truly homogenized the action film genre, taking its cue from the Indiana Jones films, which featured wall to wall, run-to-the-finish action set pieces, brawling, gunfire, and explosions in a formula that every action film has emulated since, only without the inspired premises. So, when you eventually get to a film like the sequel to the sequel to the 2002 film about a plot-armored superman who conducts international espionage using extreme sports, the only points you hope to achieve in a review are:

A. Whether a lot of guns will be fired.
B. Whether a lot of fists will be thrown.
C. Whether A and B will combine into a film that wasn’t a waste of even the very low matinee fee I paid to see it.
​
Does the third xXx movie actually make the grade? Sort of.

Vin Diesel once again steps into the likely-cleated combat boots of Xander Cage, the man who flies cross country to retrieve a fur coat, has sex with anything in a bikini top, scales a cable antenna and steals a console from a corrupt world government so the simple townsfolk can watch soccer, hero to the masses. He who is so impressive to absolutely everyone he meets that even the members of the corrupt world government he is always undermining speaks of him in monologues akin to Paul Bunyan as read by Samuel L. Jackson. SLJ happens to be in this movie as well, but only in the first five minutes, as he once again explains the premise of the xXx program to a cameo by Brazilian soccer star Neymar Jr.

Then he gets blown up by a falling satellite.

Enter the flimsy premise to what will soon be 107 minutes of sustained gunfire: a terrorist has stolen from the aforementioned corrupt world government an apocalyptic-level MacGuffin called “Pandora’s Box.” Pandora’s Box has the ability to bypass all known security clearances, creating the potential to cause untold chaos for an overly tech-dependent world, but in this film it will be used entirely to blow up things with falling satellites. Xander’s peaceful existence of giving Roberta Mancino rides on his skateboard (eye roll) is interrupted when he learns of SLJ’s death, and he’s willing to cooperate with corrupt government liaison Jane Marke (Toni Collette) to retrieve the box as a favor.

That is, until the supposed terrorists turn out to be fellow xXx operatives Xiang (Donnie Yen) and Serena (Deepika Padukone) who stole the box in order to protect it from, you know, corrupt world government. Alliances are formed, guns are fired, and fists are thrown, as the box gets passed back and forth between all interested parties all the way to the inevitable skydiving finish line.

The above two paragraphs being, literally, all that can be said about the plot, I will need to fill in the rest of this review using cast details. Nina Dobrev is adorable little corrupt world government hacker Becky Clearidge, who eventually defects to xXx because Vin Diesel is awesome. Other members of Xander’s team include animal rights activist/sniper Adele Wolff (Ruby Rose), charismatic tiny DJ Nicky Zhou (Kris Wu), and Launchpad McQuack driving school dropout “The Torch” Tennyson (Rory McCann).  It’s certainly praiseworthy that the movie goes out of its way to cast as many international, ethnically, and, in the case of Ruby Rose, gender diverse actors to fill its roles. But it is hard to say whether such an admirable quality is even noticeable amidst whiplash-level speeds of shoot-shoot-jumpkick-slide-kaboom-skydive that this film is constantly serving up.
​
In most action film scenarios, even this level of overlook would be forgivable, but given the fact that there are actually interesting asides about alleged good guys, bad guys, and the purposes individuals serve on the world stage mixed in as themes, the fact that it all eventually mutates into Vin Diesel’s playhouse seems like a terrible waste. There’s a striking contrast between Vin and Donnie Yen, who is Hong Kong’s biggest action film star, and in his second American film role besides Rogue One. He is destined to have the jaw-dropping martial arts he is known for slightly diminished in order to make Vin look at least as formidable. I’m also finding it difficult to further mention cast members Tony Jaa, Michael Bispring, Al Sapienza, and Tony Gonzalez, since the first two are merely Xiang’s henchmen, while the latter two are characters that Xander first threatened to kill…and then killed.

So does it work? Sure, I guess. As far as everything it intended, including its inclusion and thought provoking themes, it certainly did what it set out to do. As I said at the beginning of this review, I wasn’t expecting the bard when I set out to review xXx part three. But given what is actually on the screen to be appreciated, it might benefit those who seek to continue this franchise to raise the bard…just a little.