Nerds That Geek Movie Review - 'Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales'

Written by Mike Cervantes

THIS IS THE EMERGENCY SPOILER ALERT SYSTEM...YOU ARE ADVISED TO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK...

Like the party favors I once got at Patty Tompkins’ pirate themed 11th birthday, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise is a mixed bag, and additionally one that I have to accept as good, under the threat that Patty’s going to come back and beat my face in for my initial distaste towards wax lips. It’s a novel concept to have around, a movie series based on a ride at Disneyland, especially since that’s a formula that they’ve tried a dozen times and come away from the trials with no other success besides this movie. It’s also good to still have a film franchise with an active interest in providing us with especially large-budgeted movies based on pirates. Perhaps it’d be worth it to see a movie based on The Gold Nugget Revue, just so we could get in a few decent westerns as well.

But my folly with the series always has always landed firmly on one of its most prominent actors: Johnny Depp. Even I have to admit that I ultimately found the character of Captain Jack Sparrow to…have its charm, amid the backdrop of a sea epic mostly focused on Orlando Bloom and Kiera Knightly, but the shtick just keeps going on and on, like you’ve ridden the boat around the ride a half dozen times while only keeping an eye out for the one pirate holding the beer stein. They’ve facilitated a few interesting turns by way of the character: I liked the cameo by Depp’s method-inspiration Keith Richards in the second film…until they did it again with Mick Jagger in the fourth movie, and Paul McCartney in this film, (sorry to give away the cameo) and it just pains me to think that this is the same actor/producer combo to give us the not-offensive-but-really-really-bad turn Depp had as Tonto in the most recent remake of The Lone Ranger. At least he’s not responsible for Guy Lapointe.

Thankfully, someone at Disney/Bruckheimer films has heard the cries for mercy at the end of a Jack Sparrow-focused fourth installment of this film, and made the decision to once again allow the character to play second banana to a pair of marginally more interesting legacy characters. Harry Turner (Brenton Thwaites), the only son of Bloom’s Will and Knightly’s Elizabeth, swears an oath to his Flying Dutchman-bound father to seek 'The Trident of Poseidon,' an artifact that has the ability to undo every curse given at sea. A series of amazing-looking events lands Harry in Jail alongside Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario), a scientist who is being hunted as a witch (wrong century, guys) and is holding a map that leads to the trident. All they need at that point is a way to sea, enter the ever plot-convenient Jack Sparrow, who  through equally amazing-looking events, also lands in jail. Although not before forsaking his trademark magic compass, cursing himself and setting free an undead Spanish pirate hunter, Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem), who, naturally, gives credence to Jack’s worst fear that said Captain would ever come back for revenge.

The rest of the saga plays out as you would expect: The trio manage to evade execution and dash out to sea, where Jack’s crew, still comprised mainly of Kevin McNally, Stephen Graham, and Martin Klebba, are bound to run into the threat of Salazar, and the still at-large from the fourth sequel Hector Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush). While it is a relief to know that this sequel is better than the previous installment, for not choosing to place Jack Sparrow in the dead center of the plot, there still isn’t anything keeping this ship from sailing as close to shore, eventually providing a completely cookie-cutter plot. The devil is, invariably, in the details, particularly favoring long-run characters like Rush’s Barbossa, who receives a third-act reveal that was worth the price of admission. I could have expected a lot more from the new generation of cast members in this outing, seeing as it’s made clear that we’ll be following them in the sequels. I’m also rather disappointed that, for all the menace that is displayed upon him in the trailers, Bardem’s Salazar inevitably comes off as a poor-man’s Davy Jones, frequently just popping into scenes and offering a “Hola Jack Sparrow,” like a sort of PG-rated nautical Freddy Krueger.

Is it worth seeing? Sure. If you enjoy Pirates of the Caribbean, particularly the earliest installments, then you’ll have a good time with this one. However, you’re not going to have your opinion dissuaded if you believe this film franchise has overstayed its welcome. We can only hope that some other great pirate-themed attraction will be built in the immediate future, so a decent pirate-themed film series can be based on that. Sorry Patty. 

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