Austin Film Festival Movie Review: ‘I Hate Myself and Want to Die’

Written by John Edward Betancourt

Mike Castle as Jacob in J. Davis’ I HATE MYSELF AND I WANT TO DIE. (Photo Courtesy of the Austin Film Festival.)

Caution: This article contains discussions regarding suicide and suicidal ideation, which may be triggering to some individuals.
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Despite the fact that we live in an era where science and society is finally turning its attention to mental health and our need to maintain it with the same urgency and care as our physical health, there are some topics on the matter that are still seen as taboo in nature. Such as suicide and suicidal ideation, and well… it does make sense as to why we shy away from discussing such matters. After all, the thought of someone wanting to end their life is unnatural to us. Because we are taught to cherish life and do what must be done to preserve it, especially our own. Not to mention, there’s so much beauty in this world, it makes no sense as to why someone would decide this. 

Plus, it’s just scary. Scary to think that someone would be ready and willing to think about their own death, much less carry it out, and that fear makes it all impossible to comprehend. But the fact of the matter is, there are people in this world that really feel as though that solution is their only hope, and we have to stop holding to stigmas and fears about such matters and address the reality that people feel this way and want to make this decision. So that we can properly understand what leads to this and work to prevent it through real help to those in need and well, it just so happens… that a motion picture that recently screened at the Austin Film Festival… works to offer understanding on such a concern, and that makes I Hate Myself and Want to Die an important feature. 

One that takes the time to introduce us to a man named Jacob who has made quite the decision when we meet him, here. In that, he’s ready to die. He’s had enough of life, of his failures and now seems like the right time to just leave what little he has to his close friend, Russell, and just fade from this life. But his attempt to end his life, does not go according to plan. Not to mention, before he can make another attempt, his mother and others come calling and are in need of his help. Which frustrates Jacob to no end but does not stop him from stepping in and giving others a few more minutes with him. Because despite being derailed, he still has a plan to exit this life, the only question is whether or not he can keep his plans a secret. Since deep down he knows doubt will creep in if someone takes him to task over his dark decision.

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Which is a plot that perfectly explores the nature of suicidal ideation. Since we are plunged into the middle of Jacob’s struggles and that does help us to come to understand what motivates people to want to end their lives. Granted, this isn’t the be all understanding, but we are able to understand that great failures and rejection and a lack of self and external worth… can devastate a person’s psyche and put them in Jacob’s shoes. Where they feel there’s no point in going on and that’s powerful to say the least. Since that’s more exploration and discovery than most stories put forth regarding this matter, and it is presented to us in a frank manner, so that we see these kinds of struggles in an objective light. Which helps to remove stigma and taboo, and above all, helps us to recognize symptoms and how we can help.
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What that looks like, we will get to in a moment, because we need to further deconstruct how the story makes these lessons so incredibly impactful. In that, the movie also makes use of humor to properly explore such matters and that’s huge. Because humor disarms a mind and removes worry and discomfort. Which allows for the information we receive to stick, and it allows for some entertainment to come into play so that the story never overwhelms and never makes one uncomfortable. That is of course, no small feat. Since this remains a tough topic, and in many ways, the comedy here should serve as a blueprint as to how other stories down the line can better examine this topic and get their point across regarding it. 

But for the sake of this story, such approaches make it clear… these struggles are very real, and that when someone is down and hurting badly… we should not just leave them to their own devices and hope they’re okay when they’re hurting so badly. We should step in, check on them, remind them that we cherish them. Because that can make a world of difference. Will it solve the problem? And save everyone? Likely not, but it is more than we are doing now, and we need to start somewhere to stimulate change, and that is why this movie is so important. Because it acknowledges the problem, it acknowledges that these thoughts and actions exist, and it tasks us to do more. Feel more. Think about others for a change and that brings forth a powerful feature. One that does indeed make us laugh, and cry and it will stay with you for a LONG time. Courtesy of a stunning story, filled with amazing performances, that informs us that the best way to let go of our fears of losing someone to something so dark… is by embracing that person and showing them the value they add to the world.

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