An Interview with Author Adam Nimoy

Photo of Adam Nimoy Courtesy of Adam Nimoy and Chicago River Press.

Adam Nimoy is a highly accomplished writer and director who has worked behind the camera on multiple iconic television shows, and he’s penned several books. His most recent work, The Most Human: Reconciling with My Father, Leonard Nimoy, chronicles his strained relationship with his father and offers some incredible insight into how Adam healed from the difficulties that accompany that, and we here at NTG had the distinct honor of sitting down with Adam to discuss his book and his life. 
 
John Betancourt:  I'm very curious to start off with learning what inspired you want to open up and tell your story like this?
 
Adam Nimoy: Well, there were a number of factors that came into play. You know, I love writing, I wanted to publish something, I wanted to write a memoir, I published a memoir, in ‘08, this is, you know, more of the same, only different. And I was writing a lot about being a sober person in recovery, divorce, single dad, I was writing a lot about my kids, about my relationships with my mom, my ex-wife. And I was going to stay away from my dad for a while, I thought I had done enough. I mean, I written some stuff about him for the Boston Globe a few years ago. And he shows up in For the Love of Spock, I talked about my relationship with him, I contributed a short story for, To Me, He Was Just Dad, a compilation of celebrity kids and their fathers. I felt like maybe had done enough on that score. So, I just kind of like, decided to maybe go on another route for a while. And, and the problem was that he, you know, every time I wrote stuff he kept, he was in my mind. And he kept coming back. And I thought, okay, this is silly, I'm just resisting this, because he is the key relationship in my life, I'm writing about all these relationships I'm having. And the defining relationship was my, you know, it was my dad for better and for worse, and for better. So, I kept coming back to him, he kept popping up in my mind. 
 
The other thing was that, you know, John, I'm a guy in recovery, I got to, I still go to meetings and stuff, I'm sober, 20 years, and when I would share the story of the reconciliation with my dad, after we had been really estranged from each other, for a couple of years, I would share about it anonymously at these meetings, no one knows who I'm related to. I mean, you know, I just don't, I don't care for people to know, and they don't really care, mostly to know. But you know, people were inspired by the story of, you know, a lot of people have families with some dysfunction in it, you know, whether it's a parent or a sibling, and they were like, “Oh, man, that was an inspiring story that you were, you know, had so much trouble with your dad and, and then you used some of the tools of the program to reach out to him. And then you guys had a great life together the last few years of his life, that's inspiring to me, I'm going to try to see that might work with my parent or siblings.” So, it just seemed like I should, you know, delve into it one more time and really explore it and really tell the story of what happened. And, and, and hopefully it will resonate with other people.
 
John Betancourt: So, I’m very curious as to what kind of challenges emotionally did you run into in being so open, and so honest? Because I mean, you bear your soul in this book, completely.
 
Adam Nimoy: Well, the challenge is, you know, what to tell and what to leave on the cutting room floor. That's the challenge, and that's why I hired an independent editor to help guide me about, you know, because it's like, how much blood do we spill? It is not a tell all, it is not Mommy Dearest. I don't go through the entire litany, of all the ups and downs with my dad, I just didn't do it. There was no point in doing it. I did, you know, there were some episodes that I thought were sort of, you know, symbolic of things that happened with him, of the way, you know, that we interacted that were unfortunate, those I told, and then, you know, as even handedly as possible. And the rest, you know, I told a couple of episodes, two or three episodes of the conflict with him. But there were a number of things that I simply did not need to mention in the book. So that was number one. The other thing was that it was clear to me because he has so many fans all over the world. That I gotta be very careful with the way I deal with this material because most people don't want to, you know, hear a book about somebody trashing Leonard Nimoy. He's the hero for so many people. I mean, come on, you know, that's just a fact. And, and so I was always careful to say that I was very proud of the work he had done and what he had accomplished in his life. 
 
That was number one. And the other thing was, I gave him a lot of leeway for being raised by two immigrant parents from Ukraine. Who were not that loving, connected, emotional. They were very withholding. I mean, no one knew what my grandfather, his father was thinking, no one knew, he was the very, you know, very kind of a timid, quiet introverted guy, of few words. And his mother was tough, and she could be very withholding as well, which is what she was when he said, “Hey, I want to go to I want to go to LA and study acting.” And she's like, “No, you're not.” “Yes, I am. And I'm leaving on a train, you know, I’m eighteen and I'm going.” That’s where he came from. That's what he knew. So, I kind of cut him quite a lot of slack, that he really didn't have great modeling to begin with. You know, I’ll tell you, John, there's something that just comes to mind, I gotta share with you. And that is that we were raising money for the documentary For the Love of Spock, I got a I got a message from a woman who had read my earlier memoir about some of the trouble with my dad. And she said, “You know, I love Leonard Nimoy. And I'm not sure I want you making this film. Because I don't want to see, you know, I don't want to see a dark side of Leonard Nimoy. I don't want to see a critique of him. I love the guy.” And I wrote back saying, “Well, the fact is that memoir, ended it in a way and, and subsequently, a lot of things happened with my dad, to the point where we were really close and, and tight. Those last seven years, everything has changed, you know?” And she said, “Okay, all right, then I'm gonna go with, you know, I'll go with that. I'll take that on faith. And here's 100 bucks for your movie.” (Laughter)
 
John Betancourt: What did you learn going back through all of your experiences, that you didn't know before about yourself and your father, really everything in general?
 
Adam Nimoy: You know, okay, there's a number of things. Number one, you know, it's okay, to… I learned a lot in recovery. And, you know, in my recovery, and in processing all the stuff that I was writing about my dad, it's that… certain things did happen. And they were very difficult for me, and they were very hurtful. And that is absolutely okay. You know, it's just, that's real, those are real emotions, as it were. The way we respond to that stuff is where I had to really grow up with my dad and really rethink how to approach him. That's what I really, that's what I'm trying to emphasize is that I found out as I was growing more emotionally, while I was sober, because you know, when you're drinking and using, you're not really growing emotionally, it's just you're in “Arrested Development” for the most part. And I say that in the book, you know, that woman at the at the AA bookstore that said to me, “Honey, you got the emotional development of a 17-year-old boy, which was how old you were when you started smoking pot every day, for the next 30 years.” So, I discovered with my dad that I really, and I had help, I mean, I had a lot of people who told me how to handle him. That way to deal with him was not to take him on because he was simply too difficult, too powerful. My dad was a street kid from Boston. And he admitted this himself, he was a tough kid and don't fuck with him, you know, or you're going to -- and he knocked heads with a lot of people during his career, not the least of which was Gene Roddenberry and Bill Shatner, you know, from the get-go. 
 
So, what I really discovered and what I'm really trying to emphasize in the book, the lesson, I think, is that sometimes we have to take a different approach to dealing with these things. I what I figured out finally, what I was told was, I could be right about my dad, and I am right about my dad, I know my dad, I know his foibles. I, I “have his number” as he would say, that's his terminology, “I've got your number,” he'd say, and I had his number. I mean, I know him, I knew him pretty well. And I knew his shortcomings and his character weaknesses. That's okay. But if I wanted to be happy, I had to move on from a lot of that and, and it's okay to be again to have feelings about it. It's not okay to counteract that or to strike back out at him, to criticize him to come at him, to try to prove to him once I figured out that I did not have to prove to my dad that he was wrong. Everything was fine between us. 
 
John Betancourt: Obviously, I think all of us writers can agree that when we put words to paper in any capacity, there's a level of catharsis and a level of purge, if you will, but on a more personal kind of meaningful level in being able to tell the story now, what does it mean to you now to be able to have that complete picture kind of out there about your life and about your relationship with your father?
 
Adam Nimoy: Well, you know, it is cathartic. It was a great way of processing that. I mean, you know, my dad is no different than a lot of other dads, he just happens to be, you know, his alter ego happens to be beloved by, and dad, loved by fans, millions of fans all over the world. You know, it's a very human story of family dynamics. It's very, it's very symbolic of a lot of other people who go through the same experience. It's out there, and I'm just hoping it resonates with people, a lot of, you know, a big part of recovery is giving back and sharing our stories so that other people will be inspired. Or, a lot of times we hear these, you know, the newcomers who come to the meetings, you just have gratitude for where you're at in your life, because some people are struggling with life and death situations. I'm a board member of Beit T’Shuvah. It's a Jewish congregation, and it's basically a residential Addiction Treatment Center. We’ve got 100 people over there. And those people, many of them are in a life and death struggle to stay sober, because there's fentanyl everywhere. You know, and you really get a sense of gratitude just for where you're at in the world. And I don't have that obsession to drink or use anymore, and I'm just trying to be helpful to anybody. 
 
You know, it's really just a matter of, I hope this helps somebody that is out there. And I don't you know, I don't mind telling the story, I think it's a good story, it has a happy ending, you know, I, you know, you gotta be a little bit vulnerable. It is specific in that respect, but it's only by being specific and being vulnerable, that people can relate to it. I mean, that's the thing about Spock, really, people relate to him, because he's very specific about who he is, and how he functioned on the Enterprise. And, you know, everybody's like, you know, like, I resonate with Spock, because I'm the outsider like him. I'm the oddball, you know, you see the only alien on the bridge of the Enterprise. He's struggles with his human emotions. He's an outsider, you know, all that stuff. It's very specific, what he did with the character, and so is my story. It's very specific about what happened. And that, how my dad, you know, once we reconciled, it gave him the space to be the dad, I needed him to be when I had this personal tragedy with my second wife, Martha. Dad had the space. And the time. And the focus. This was the whole other thing was that he -- his priorities changed. Just plain and simple. His priorities were more about family. He was slowing down, semi-retired, not doing as much as he used to. I mean, when I was younger, he was all about career and working, and generating money and family was a far distant third to all that.
 
John Betancourt That brings me right to my next question, as well, because I think what I appreciate the most about this book is the fact that, you are talking about a topic that I think we're just now approaching as a society, in respect of, you know, men being in touch with their emotions, and the need to be in touch with our emotions. That's something that I've had to learn in the past few years myself. If there's any advice that you had to offer that isn't present in the book, for folks that are going to pick this up and find that spark of openness, what would that advice be about having to open up?
 
Adam Nimoy: Well, it would be I don't really, I'm not sure I even say… I’m trying to remember if I say this in this book, it is this… and that is that you do not need to be an alcoholic or an addict to be in recovery. Everybody's recovering from something, everybody, some traumatic experience, something that, you know, it may not be addiction, but it could be career loss, family dynamics, divorce, you know, it could be anything. There are a lot of things to recover from, and… I just think that the tools of recovery are available for everybody. I think they work; they've been very helpful to me. I was just your run of the mill pothead. I'm not even a classic alcoholic. And I was never an opioid addict, ever, really. I'm just a run of the mill pothead. And the situation now is it's not…. I don't worry too much about ever taking a drink or having a drug. It's just not really on my list of things to think about anymore. I just don't have that obsession. What I do think about, where I do have relapse is critical, for me is emotional relapse, where I don't use the tools and a lot of the tools, John, quite frankly, for me are, you know, here's the basis of it. This is what I do want to share. And I do talk a little bit about this in the book, but I want to emphasize this. When people piss me off, my first thought is almost always… F-You.
 
Because I'm an addict in recovery, and I have, there's an immaturity in my brain that's just wired that way. My first response is F-You, I’m just like angry, I want to come back at them, you know, that is my first response, what the program has done for me, and what I think it can do for many people is to give people the pause to wait and calm down, before they do stuff before they react to things, negatively. And that's what happened with my dad, I just didn't react to his stuff anymore. So we have a lot of mantras in the in recovery, Count to 10, Count to 20, Contrary Action, do it the opposite of what your impulse is to do, Restraint of a Pen and Tongue, don't just do something, sit there, let go and let God -- you know, all this stuff for me is to create this space between the negative impulse and my next reaction. I'm responsible for my second thought, which is hopefully more mature, than my first action and, you know, that's just a part of life, man. 
 
I mean, you know, somebody cuts me off on the 405, it pisses me off. I accept that about myself. And people should accept, you know, their own failings. That’s the other thing, forgiveness is so important, which is a lot of what this book is about. But forgiving yourself is of primary importance. And I do screw up all the time. And I have to forgive myself. I do have emotional relapses all the time. You know, relapse in addiction is a part of recovery. I've discovered being a board member of Beit T’Shuvah, we have people relapse all the time, and they go out there out of the house, they're not living there anymore. And they're out there, you know, using and drinking. And many of them come back in and we bring them back in, we give them another chance. Because people relapse. Well, it's the same thing with emotional relapse, where sometimes I you know, my kids will say something to me, and I'll be right away, I'll fly off the handle. It happens, you know?
 
John Betancourt: The last question that I have for you today, what are you most proud of when it comes to what you've accomplished with this novel?
 
Adam Nimoy: Well, I think it's well balanced. I think it's… I'm really proud of the way that I was able to change the dynamic and the relationships, you know, that is the most, you know, that I was able to not only accept my dad, I mean, you have to know that the book is structured. So, I have to deal with my ex-wife, my Jewish mother, and my two teenage kids. And those guys really prepared me for what I had to do with my dad, what I had to do, to finally deal with my issue with my dad. And I think I'm really, I just think that I'm really grateful that I was able to make some changes in my own life, that you can change yourself, it is possible, it's never too late. I think I convey that in there, effectively, I hope. I'm just proud of the fact that I have really good relationships with people who are very challenging to me, sometimes, you know, and then I'm really grateful for those people. I mean, that really is the key. I know, this is weird recovery speak too, but the people who challenge you the most in your life give you the most opportunity for personal growth. And that's what, that's what I think that the book is really about. 
 
Even by writing it and putting it all together, it really forced me to see that I've come a long way, I still have a long way to go. But I finally figured out how to develop a good relationship with my mother, with my ex-wife, whom I'm still very close to, with my kids who still, you know, occasionally, who love to press my buttons, you know, they have my number, as my dad would say, you know, it's just, it's just about… everyone should get along, you know, we live in such a fractured world now. It's so unfortunate. I mean, it's just polarized everywhere. And it's just unfortunate that we can't reach out, you know, to people and try to understand them from where they're coming from. And just have some patience, tolerance and acceptance for other people. And, you know, my book is an attempt to, to heal, for people to heal, you know, and, and reconnect with one another because we're… to the pandemic and the political situation and, and the World Affairs now, it’s a really difficult time for humanity. And I think my, you know, my dad and my story together, is a story of hope, for reconciliation and repair. And that's what I think I'm most proud of in putting that book out there. 
 
This interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity. 

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