Things I've Learned from Vampire Media

Written by Shae Rufe

Lately, it's been a bit of a running joke among some of the team, that I am a Vampire. By joke, I mean I text John telling him I'm a vampire. Which is a nice break from texting him saying I'm a leafy sea dragon. Yeah, I don't know either, but it's fun. This got us on the topic of Vampires and Vampire lore. That got me thinking on how, like Zombies, Vampires have so many different story lines and types. And, well, if Zombies have taught me things, so have Vampires!

Now, before we get started, here, there are many different types of Vampires and lore. I'm only going to touch on a few, because I can rant about this for hours. Since we're here, let's make one thing clear, shall we? Vampires don't sparkle. Moving on! How awesome was Buffy the Vampire Slayer? Yeah, that show was amazing. It was also a really good movie! Buffy taught me that you could be a normal teenager and totally still kill monsters. It also taught me that if you fall in love with a Vampire he's most likely going to be a jerk.

If a Vampire doesn't drink blood, is it still a Vampire? Blade answered that question. Yes! Well, in many lore they're called Dampyres, but they're also half breeds, so there's that! Half human, half Vampire; interesting mix that always makes for a great protagonist. Vampires are always painted as bad guys in the world of Blade, but there is good news; Vampyrism is curable in this world. However, Blade taught me that even if you're a little bit Vampire, you still can drink blood, and be awesome. And that Vampires hate anything that's half Vampire. Also, if you're a hybrid that you're stronger than all the other Vampires and can totally just murder all of them. Which was awesome to watch!

Interview with a Vampire taught me that Ann Rice has a few novels that aren't half bad to read! The movie adaptation taught me that Tom Cruise actually looked decent in a long wig and fangs. This movie/book taught me that it's totally okay for Vampire's to be gay…because that's literally all that book is about…the movie, though, was fun! Brad Pitt was adorable. Also, if you feed a Vampire dead people blood, and set them on fire, there is no guarantee that they are going to be dead. So…decapitate it or push it into sunlight to make sure that, that evil being of hell-spawn isn't going to come find you, years later, because it's a crazy stalker. This is also the quintessential being turned against a person's will story. Like, oh, did you want to be a Vampire? Because, surprise. You are one. Now never leave my side. Ever. Seriously! Lestat is like a stage 5 clinger with no qualms about personal space.

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The Underworld movie series taught me that I am very particular about my Vampires and their fangs. Seriously Underworld shows their Vampires with these tiny little fangs and it just does not work. If you're going to be a Vampire, you need respectable fangs. Fangs that scare and seduce people! Also, apparently Vampires have color changing eyes. Which, I thought they just turned into like cat type eyes. You know, with the slitted pupil…but whatever.

Priest taught me the most important lesson of all. That Karl Urban is hot Which was kind of confusing and made me question my sexuality a little bit. But then he was Bones on Star Trek and John Kennex on Almost Human, so I figured, eh, he's attractive and I should just stop questioning that. Oh, and the movie taught me that Vampires were their own species until they infected humans. Speaking of infections, does I Am Legend count as a Vampire movie? They were kind of Vampire-esque but I'm not sure if they count. If they do, then they were terrifying. If they don't, then they were still scary, and I will never forgive them for the dog. Anime and Manga just taught me that they're all pretty and that being a Vampire totally looks fun. Like, there's no repercussions with being a living dead being…and that they're all just rich beyond reason. And all of them live in nice houses. 

But of course, Dracula, the original Vampire tale taught me that vampires are irresistible. They can also control you telepathically. This is also where a lot of the original ideas come from. Like turning into a Bat (how cute was Hotel Transylvania?) and sneaking into people's rooms at night to feed on them. All kinds of craziness happens here. 

Well, that's it for now! Part Two will come shortly and delve into how to kill Vampires and survive attacks!

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