Geek Fantasy Football: The Villain Team

10/30/2017

Written by Zeke Perez Jr.

We all have that football team we love to hate. Maybe the team you hate has fans who dress up in goofy black and silver costumes. Maybe the team you hate is from the far Northeastern region of the United States; the screeches of its smug, unrelenting fans echoing throughout the nation. No matter who it is for you, everyone has at least one team that plays the villain. Now…I’m taking the idea of a villainous football team quite literally.

Below, I’ve chosen a nefarious squad of the biggest and baddest Marvel and D.C. supervillains to fill out a football roster. They are matched to their respective positions based on their skills, strengths, and intangibles. You think you’ve seen some tough, mean football players before? Wait until you see this team!

Offense & Head Coach

Quarterback: Bullseye - I’ve seen this guy kill folks by throwing paper clips with alarming speed and accuracy. Might need to take a little zip off of his throws, but he’ll put the ball where it needs to be.

Running Back: Reverse Flash - Upon hearing that the Superheroes were trotting out The Flash, the Villains had to counter with Reverse Flash. Brings that same blistering speed to the table.

Fullback: Juggernaut - An unstoppable force. Once he gets going, he’s hard to bring down. Excellent for converting in short-yardage situations.

Wide Receiver: Doctor Octopus - He’s got good hands. Lots of them. Should be able to haul in passes from all angles.

Wide Receiver: Loki - Deceptive speed. Manipulative moves. Can cast thoughts to let his QB know if he’s open. Might fool his opponents by shapeshifting into a member of the defense or a ref. Covers the field well; seemingly in multiple places at once.

Tight End: Sandman - Size and strength. Can hunker down and solidify if he needs to block or can get sandstormy and slip through defenders to get open for a big catch, making him an ideal two-way TE. Roster risk, as he will need to be subbed out for rainy or snowy games.

Left Tackle: Rhino - Big, athletic, and fast. Can push the defensive line back with ease. Needs to win the battle right off the snap, however, as his lack of agility and poor turning radius can cause him to miss his target and get beat.

Left Guard: The Blob - So big he has his own gravitational field. Essentially immovable. Provides great interior protection and is a key piece of the o-line.

Center: Bane - The perfect balance of smarts and strength. Centers need to be able to scope out the defense’s alignment and adjust accordingly. Bane is cunning and strategic, so he should be able to do that well. Size allows him to neutralize the nose tackle. Big hands, so snapping the ball won’t be a problem.

Right Guard: Abomination - Hulk-like size, strength, and speed. Very durable. He rounds out a very impressive and capable interior offensive line.

Right Tackle: Apocalypse - Has total control over the molecules in his body, allowing him to bend and shape his body as needed. That time of flexibility will come in handy for protecting the right side of the line.

Head Coach: Thanos - Who wouldn’t want a head coach who is essentially an all-knowing super genius? With vast knowledge of many universes, Thanos will create the ultimate playbook. His past in combat brings scrappiness and fire to the leadership role. As a bonus, he’ll probably cruise around the sidelines

Defense / Special Teams

Left Defensive End: Killer Croc - One of two ferocious predators on the line, along with King Shark. Locks onto the QB’s scent and pursues him with superhuman reflexes and speed.

Defensive Tackle: Kingpin - Weighing in at 450 pounds, he’s a sturdy component and is sure to slow the opposing run game. Ruthless demeanor and strength provide him the added benefit of a pass-rush upside. If he gives up a big play, you can be sure he will consider that a personal affront and will work to correct his mistakes by punishing the ball carrier.

Defensive Tackle: Gorilla Grodd - Can’t go wrong when you have a 600 pound beast clogging the middle. Another super strong animal along the villains’ defensive line. Not just brawn, but brains too. He and Kingpin alone account for half a ton of run stoppage.

Right Defensive End: King Shark - Holds down the other end of the line with his aquatic predator partner, Killer Croc. Speedy and physical; circles the proverbial waters when he smells blood.

Left Outside Linebacker: Sabretooth - Animalistic senses that make for an ideal linebacker. Uses his super hearing to listen in to the offense’s huddle. Enhanced reflexes aid his ability to stalk and literally pounce on the ball carrier.

Middle Linebacker: Ultron - Flight, subsonic speed, and intellect. Makes a good, agile defender. Can calculate how to approach each play very quickly. Reads opposing offenses instantaneously. If he shows up in an Adamantium shell…watch out!

Right Outside Linebacker: Darkseid - Standing at 8’9” and weighing in at just under 2000 pounds, Darkseid has a prototypical linebacker frame. Can easily overpower any opponent. Legality of Omega Beams is in question.

Cornerback: Green Goblin - Fast and agile cruising around the field on the ‘Goblin Glider’; should find good routes to the ball on that apparatus. Time will tell if he draws pass interference penalties from tossing ‘Pumpkin Bombs’.

Cornerback: Hobgoblin - Hobgoblin and his partner Green Goblin make a dynamic duo. They’ve put their rivalry aside to patrol the secondary, locking down receivers from their glider. Both have great range

Free Safety: Doctor Doom - The FS has one of the most important roles on the defensive side of the ball. A FS must sit back in coverage, observe the play unfolding, and be smart enough to react accordingly, monitoring and pursuing receivers, tight ends, running backs, and even the QB. Doom is a genius and will serve as a worthy last line of defense. His armor allows for crushing hits.

Strong Safety: Tombstone - Rock-solid, merciless, hard-hitting safety. Plus, he joins Denver Bronco great Rich ‘Tombstone’ Jackson in sharing an awesome/intimidating football nickname.

Kicker: Deadshot - Superhuman accuracy. A guy who ‘never misses his shot’ is the kind of guy you want making kicks.

Punter: Calendar Man - Nobody cares about punters. Nobody cares about Calendar Man, except me. Good fit.

Menacing and powerful, the Villains should prove to be worthy foes to the Superheroes. Do they have what it takes to win when it matters? Or will they find a way to be thwarted, as they often are? Who has the better team on paper? Let me know what you think in the comments or on Twitter (@NerdsThatZeke). Stay tuned for Twitter posts and polls matching up players from each team to see who comes out on top!

0 Comments